The End

There comes a point and time in everyone's life that redefines who a person becomes. Milestones, markers, whatever you want to call it, they are all the same for the most part. These happenings can be conversations, catching the wrong train to work, missing your bus, running out of gas on the highway and flagging down someone for a lift. These markers can be planned, or unexpected. A baby, weddings, hell even one night stands (although I don't condone it). These markers can be people you meet, family, friends, unexpected best friends, lovers. The list is endless. But, within each and every distinctly different marker comes a time frame like I had mentioned earlier.

There are the beginnings. A short term job at Starbucks, maybe a temporary teaching job. Maybe you're working on a show or something. However it starts, it will be unexpected I promise you. And it will either fall two ways; the happiest seconds/minutes/hours/days/weeks/months (you get the point) of your life, or either the worst part. It's a rush of blood to the head. Life is perfect, purposeful, and desirable. There's no other place you'd rather be. Then there is a point and time that it plateaus. 

I'd like to call that the body (for lack of a better word). The emotional high that lasts for however long it was planned to last. You may have control over it, you very may well have no control over it. Personally, I feel like most of the time you cannot control how long something lasts even though you'll want it to last or either end just as quickly as it started. Then comes the kick in the balls. The heart wrenching drop from the plateau. The ending.

Like I said, most times you have no control over it. However much you really want it to last, it does not matter. It hurts, believe me, it is the worst feeling in the world. You feel like you're dying or want to die. Like you're between a rock and a hard place, the air being snatched away from you as you get crushed. It isn't easy. And you may scar, but it's always for the better. It happened for a reason. Things always happen for a reason. You don't miss a train for nothing. You don't get fired for nothing. You don't get your heartbroken for nothing. God, or fate, or whatever you may believe in has something planned for you. Something better, even if you think what you have is as good as it's going to get. The end isn't really the end then, is it? 

I like to think of myself as a young person who has an old heart and old soul. I still learn everyday and experience new things everyday, but I like to think that I know what I want. I loved him. And I still do. But there's closure that comes in knowing that you need to bring it to the surface, talk about it, and really stop lying to yourself. Because in the end, if it isn't supposed to be then it won't be. No matter how much you want it to. Which sounds pessimistic but it is not supposed to be I promise you. It's a way of being able to move on and not live for something that won't be. Wasting away in grief and sadness because you may very well miss a chance you never knew was coming. Don't miss that chance.

A very special person to me told me that "Dreaming is never a bad thing. You just have to dream with one foot on the ground". And I feel like everyone should know that. Because, in the end, what will happen, will happen. Tears will happen, life will happen, love will happen. But you can't be hard or negative. I'm not saying to throw on a smile and fake happiness, because that will destroy you. If we weren't meant to feel sadness or grief, or pain, why would we know it? It's okay to cry. Just know when to let go of things you can't control. The pain and sadness will go away, I promise you.

Thanks for listening

The Softest Armor

Armor was created to protect the most important parts of a person's body during battle. Even myself, when I think of armor, I think of the shiny suits that knights used to wear back in medieval times, fighting with swords trying to guard their kingdom. Even thinking about that, the knights fighting to protect their kingdom, even they were the kingdom's "armor". 

Armor today is quite different, bullet proof vests made from Kevlar to protect, again, the most important parts of the fighter's body. There are armored vehicles, armored buildings, armored phones even. Take it even closer to home for a moment.

What about the armor of the every day person's body? There's your skin right at the surface. Muscle tissue below that protects your bones. Your rib cage protects the lungs and heart. Your heart. Most important thing in your body, perhaps, holds the softest armor of all.

The physical part of your heart really isn't the softest, but the mental part that guards your heart is the softest. Every day I see or hear at least twelve different stories about love on Facebook or Twitter. People falling in love, people becoming engaged, marrying, new parents. There's also the loss, heartbreak, strain, and the loneliness. You may know someone who is going through a blow to that soft armor. Maybe it's even you who is. 

If you know one of those people, tell them they aren't alone. There is hurt everywhere in this world, but just as much as there is hurt, there is happiness. It's easy to thrive in the bad, it really is, but you need to be there for them. And if you're one of those people, know it gets better. Maybe not right away but it will someday. You'll get your chance to feel again, to bring down the walls you maybe put back up to protect yourself. It's never too late to soften your heart, but don't be afraid to guard it. Be afraid to lose that feeling. Make it a priority to never lose that part of yourself no matter how much it hurts. And surround yourself in things you love; sing till you can't anymore, dance till you fall, laugh till it hurts, fill up the tank and go as far as you can on one tank of gas. 

If there's one thing I want you to take away from this, it's to not give up on what seems impossible. Love is just as unpredictable as the future. Do not be afraid to wear the softest armor. Ever.

"I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone" - Javan

Strength.

What defines strength, really? Is it the amount of weight you can bench press? Is it how long you can run a marathon before stopping to break? How much food you can eat, how much alcohol you can drink? Maybe it's how many days you can go without any sleep? 

There are people in this world that go through so much and come out worse for wear, but so much stronger. Like those people affected by Sandy. How much stronger do you think they'll be once  their lives gain back some sort of normalcy?

Or even the ones closer to home; loss of a friend or family member? My next door neighbor recently lost his sister at 98 years old. They lived together in the same house all of their lives. Both watched the world transform around them, lost their friends, lost their family, but they got through it together as a family. How do you even begin to measure that kind of strength?

What about love? Well, what about it? How many people do you meet in your life? How many of them have you dated? Or loved? Or married? Maybe you divorced a few? You can define strength in love by many things really. By how many gifts exchanged, how many texts sent or phone calls dialed. You can define strength in love by the connection you hold between a person. By how many late nights spent. By each passing day you spend with that person. You can define strength in love by the heartbreaks and hardships. 

Strength can be defined in so many ways, it nearly seems endless. But, I guess, no matter what happens in life, you will always be strong no matter how hard it can get. No matter how unfair things may feel at that time. Regardless if you can't even bench press ten pounds, how long you can run a marathon, how much food you can hold down, how many times life shakes you down to the core, or how many times you've given your heart out/given a heart to and lasted or either didn't. Strength is always down there somewhere. You will always be able to find it no matter how clouded your mind can get or how much your heart may hurt. 

Hold onto that strength and never let go. Never let go of what you're really sure of.

That's all for now, thanks for listening.

Six Months Absent

Six months ago I was graduated from the biggest high of my life so far; high school. Six months ago I was attending graduation parties and occasionally seeing my friends from high school. We were living up our senior summer. Movie nights till who knows when, a lot of food, and promises. We drove around with the windows down on summer day and night drives. There were a few intense rounds of Disney Scene It and lots of servings of killer mac n’ cheese…

Six months ago I got a job out at the airport. I worked at least 40 hours a week with people I enjoyed seeing almost every day at a newly opened store. I faced my fears of public transportation and learned the rhythm and language of it. Six months ago I picked up my life and moved into a new home near the city. I fell into routine and forgot about time. Time meant nothing to me then. I had so much of it to waste…

I spent most of my time sleeping and working once the parties ended. One of those many promises I made in June I broke. I started to become a stranger. Not on purpose, of course. Stranger by accident. There were a few visits along the way in those short summer days, but they never felt long enough. There were a few birthday surprises to a few people too (okay, maybe just one person)…

A hop, skip, jump and a blink later and orientation started for college. The days slowed down significantly. My friends started to leave for college also. I hated those few weeks. I felt alone. Change was really unwelcome in my life. Making new friends felt impossible, but it just needed time. I have a few at school, maybe like three or four. But most are acquaintances. The first semester is almost done…

I auditioned into a musical and made it! Finally, something familiar. It was definitely different than theater in high school, but I loved it just the same. I made friends, two in particular that I don’t know how I was living without before. And now it’s only two weeks away until the show closes…

And now I’m here, six months later reminding myself of what happened and how much I've changed in so little time. How my life went from so much routine to defying every line I try to draw. Thinking about it now, it felt like these last six months I took an absence. Absence of mind, absence of time, and absence of life. I remember a few things, but just when I do, I think of all that’s coming up in just a few short days. The closings and the openings. I think of the people I miss. The same people who are making new friends and living their own lives. I think of the promises I made, and the ones I broke. Fear goes along with those thoughts, but also thankfulness. Thankfulness for having the opportunity to do so much, know so many people, become affected by those people and affect so many other people in the process.

Opening night tonight, college auditions in only two days, and first semester ending in less than a month, a lot is going to change again. I wonder what kind of absence I’ll take again, if any. Or if I can mend the few that kind of slipped along the way.

This post isn’t really a question or much to ponder on for the readers, just my mindset at the moment… hmm. I guess I’ll figure out what’ll happen soon, right?